


i don't wanna be lonely so show me the way home

by wiltedfeathers



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: F/M, and they argue, angsty as hell, javier has big dumbass energy, slight mention of violence, steve is the smartest one of them all, they share one braincell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22658959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wiltedfeathers/pseuds/wiltedfeathers
Summary: “What did you say before you left my apartment that night?” Javier turned and raised an eyebrow at you. “You said it in Spanish right before you walked out.”He smiled to himself once he remembered. “Significas más para mí de lo que nunca sabrás.”“What does that mean?”“You mean more to me than you’ll ever know.”
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader
Kudos: 50





	i don't wanna be lonely so show me the way home

**Author's Note:**

> so i finally started narcos and this was inspired by s1e2 where javier goes to save helena from the cartel

Moving to Colombia had never been on your radar but it was your job as a nurse that brought you to the country. You had seen your fair share of patients and trauma in American hospitals that you felt it was time for a change, even if it meant living in an entirely new country.

You managed to get a job at the local hospital and befriended a fellow nurse named Connie, as she had pretty much trained you from your first day. Break room conversations turned into dinner dates and tagging along with her and her husband Steve on Friday nights, sharing beers and complaints from your respective jobs. It was nice to decompress and have that human connection, even if it was just for an hour once a week.

This past week was nothing short of a rough one and all you could think about was a hot shower and to curl up in bed for the entire weekend. Normally you didn’t mind the nights out but you couldn’t help but feel drained, both physically and emotionally. Connie and Steve took notice of you absentmindedly staring at your beer bottle and offered to take you home for the night, which you gladly accepted on top of apologizing for ‘ruining the night’. They shut that down with reassurance and understanding, which you were grateful for.

The walk to your apartment seemed treacherous despite living on the first floor. You threw your jacket and purse on the couch as you made your way to the bathroom, turning the shower on full blast before undressing. You were barely out of the shower a full minute before there was a knock on your door, causing you to let out a groan and quickly scramble to throw on some random shirt and a pair of sleep shorts. Letting out a sigh as you walked to the front door, a frown creeped up as you recognized the man in your doorway.

“Do you ever answer the phone?”

On a normal day Javier’s presence wouldn’t bother you. Today was not one of those normal days.

“I don’t have a phone in the shower.”

“Maybe you should get one.”

Nights out with Connie and Steve are how you and Javier came to be acquaintances. You had shot him down a number of times before finally giving in on a drunken whim. It wasn’t exactly a friends with benefits relationship, but instead a ‘final destination’ as you liked to call it. You could always count on him showing up when no one else was available to satisfy his needs, and it was starting to get old.

“Nice shirt.” Javier pointed out before stepping into the apartment. You didn’t notice you had put on one of the t-shirts he left a while ago, rolling your eyes as you closed the door behind you.

You pinched the bridge of your nose as you leaned against the door. “Why are you here, Javier?”

“What’s the matter with you?” Javier raised an eyebrow as he leaned against the doorway of the kitchen, crossing his arms.

The stress of the week had caught up with you, and your feelings for the DEA agent wasn’t making anything better. On your end you wanted more than what he could offer and knowing he couldn’t give that to you was nothing less than devastating. You had buried those feelings to get through your past few hookups with him, but his question was enough to send you off the deep end into those feelings.

“Why do you even care?”

Javier was just as stressed as you. There were no leads on the Medellín cartel which meant he was stuck doing paperwork for the time being, and it was driving him insane. He had tried to drown his sorrows in nightly bar and brothel visits, but tonight he just wanted you. Only you.

You weren’t like the others. You cared about him when you didn’t want to admit it, and he cared about you just the same. He would spend the night and claim that you were close to work, but he really just loved the feeling of waking up to you curled into his side.

He would catch himself staring when you would do the simplest things, like watching television at night or simply making coffee in the mornings. He wanted to give you a better life and be a better man for you and that’s what scared him the most. Javier wasn’t able to be that person for you with his job and his lifestyle and it killed him inside just as much as it killed you.

“I just wanted to see you.” He explained. You scoffed.

“I bet you tell the other girls that lie.” You turned to walk to your room, but Javier was quick to grab your arm to stop you.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” You shrugged your arm out of his grip as he stared you down. His heart was about to drop out of his chest as anger washed over him at your comment.

“I’m not fucking stupid Javi!” You yelled, “Don’t sit up here and feed me this bullshit lie when all I am to you is an easy lay. You don’t give a shit about me or any of the girls you fuck because you’re a selfish prick!”

Javier was tense and you could see the anger in his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to yell back or fight with you. His gaze drifted to the floor to avoid your now watering eyes, tears threatening to spill over onto your cheeks. He ran a hand over his jaw before walking to the door, pausing as his hand reached the doorknob.

“Significas más para mí de lo que nunca sabrás.” He spoke quietly. _You mean more to me than you’ll ever know_.

“Fuck you Javier.”

As soon as he left you let the tears fall, hugging yourself as you fell to your knees where he was just standing. You didn’t realize how long you’d been there until a knock on your door snapped you back to reality. Slowly you gathered the energy to stand up and walk to the door after being drained from crying.

The last thing you remember was a sharp blow to the back of your head.

* * *

Javier found himself on the other side of Steve’s apartment, knocking furiously until his partner opened the door. He was still shaking with anger after leaving your apartment, but his anger soon turned to panic once Steve was in front of him.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“That’s the million dollar question of the night.” Javier said before stepping past his bewildered partner.

“What the hell is going on, Peña?” Steve was beelining after his partner, who was currently pacing back in forth in his living room.

“I got a call.“ Javier ran a hand through his hair. “Said something about having a significant other.”

Steve sighed. “What are you talking about?”

“Just now, on my way here. They said something about a significant other and I think they might have done something with Connie.”

“What’s going on?” A voice piped up from behind the two men, Connie standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

Javier’s face scrunched up in confusion before the realization him, his face draining of all color as he rushed out of the apartment. Steve was hot on his partner’s trail, stopping him before he could make it down the stairs.

“You mind telling me what the fuck is up with you Peña?” Steve had grabbed his partner by the arm with a firm grip.

“They got her.” He looked his partner dead in the eye as he spoke. Steve’s face scrunched up in confusion until the realization dawned on him. He didn’t need to ask to know who he was referring to, knowing enough from how often Javier spoke of you.

“Do you know where she is?”

“No, I’ve got a feeling.”

The two agents rushed down the stairs to Javier’s car, immediately phoning in backup and an ambulance as they sped away from the complex.

* * *

When you woke up again it was dark.

Hands and legs were bound together to where you couldn’t move, and you couldn’t tell if the dampness you felt on your stomach was sweat or blood. Breathing brought your attention to the sharp pain in your side, and the giant gash that almost made you pass out at the sight, unable to cry out from the immense pain you were in. Your vision was fading in and out, blurry from the tears and the loss of blood.

You didn’t flinch at the sound of gunshots and bodies falling to the floor, barely making out Javier’s presence as he enters the room. He has to hold back a string of curses and tears as he works to untie you, cradling you in his arms as he carries you down to the ambulance waiting outside. Javier refused to leave your side, joining you on the ride to the hospital until they stop him at the doors of the surgery room. He wasn’t a blood relative or your significant other.

Javier wasn’t there when you were out of surgery. He wasn’t there when the doctors told you about the significant blood loss and your concussion, but Steve and Connie were. They had offered you their spare room once you were discharged, knowing the last place you wanted to be was your apartment. Javier didn’t visit you once in the hospital, nor did he visit after you were settled in at the Murphy’s. Even in your post-concussed state you weren’t the least bit surprised that he hadn’t showed.

Javier only blamed himself for what happened. If he had swallowed his pride and stayed that night, you wouldn’t be in the position you were now. He couldn’t bring himself to face you knowing that you hated him more than he hated himself, and no amount of bar and brothel visits could drown that out.

“You gotta talk to her.” Steve was leaning against the side of the building, watching his partner light a cigarette. “She’s shaken up bad, man.”

Javier kept his gaze on the wall in front of him as he blew out smoke, flicking the ash away. “She hates me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The night it happened we got in an argument. Told me to fuck off.” He brought the cigarette back to his lips, taking a long drag. “It’s my fault she’s like this. I was stupid enough to let myself get followed.”

“There was no way you could’ve known.” Steve suggested.

“She almost died because of me!” Javier yelled, throwing his cigarette to the ground. “I put her in danger, Steve. I can’t go to her like everything’s sunshine and rainbows after she almost gets killed because of me.”

Steve rested a hand on his hip as he ran his other hand down his face, shaking his head at his partner. Javier storms past him with a sigh as he heads towards his car.

“You know Connie has to calm her down from nightmares?” Steve questions him, causing Javier to tense up before can even get the key in the door. “She wakes up screaming your name in tears, man. She needs you right now more than ever and all you’re doing is making bullshit excuses for yourself, and you know it.”

Javier swallows the lump in his throat as he gets into his car, refusing to look Steve in the eyes as he drove off.

* * *

You jumped at the soft knocks on your door, relieved yet still cuddling the pillow tighter as Connie stepped in the room.

“How’re you feeling?” She asked softly, walking over to you. You shrugged and lowered your gaze to the design of the bedspread.

“Could be worse.” You mumbled, earning a frown from Connie.

“I, uh…” She started, causing you to raise your eyebrow in interest. “Javier’s here. He wanted to check up on you.”

“Oh.” You tensed up as you cuddled the pillow tighter as she gave your leg a reassuring squeeze.

“I can tell him to leave. If you want, I mean.” You shook your head and gave her a small smile.

“It’s fine.”

You were too out of it to realize Javier had been the one to save you that night, but you were convinced that he hated you since he refused to show up to the hospital. Knowing he was just in the other room only raised your anxiety as you remembered the last thing you said to him.

‘ _Fuck you Javier_ ’

Connie gave your leg one last squeeze before she left the room. You heard muffled voices before there was another knock at the door, heart racing as Javier stepped into the room. You didn’t look him in the eye as he sat in the same spot as Connie not too long ago, hugging your knees to your chest as you kept your gaze on the blanket.

A long pause. Javier cleared his throat.

“Steve told me about your nightmares.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you met his eyes, and his expression switched to one of concern as he really looked at you. It was obvious you haven’t slept from the bags under your eyes, which were visibly puffed from how frequently you’d been crying the past few days. Javier wanted so bad to pull you into his arms but he was frozen in place, his heart breaking the longer he stared at you.

“Why did you wait until now to visit?” You asked quietly, eyes threatening to brim with tears.

He looked away as he ran a hand through his hair, swallowing back his own tears. “Because I can live with you hating me if it means you won’t get hurt again.”

Another pause. Javier was nauseous.

“I don’t hate you.” You spoke quietly. Javier looked at you in surprise.

“You don’t?” You shook your head.

“I can’t. As much as I want to, I just can’t.” You sighed, wiping away a stray tear. Javier’s expression softened as he scooted closer, reaching to move hair out of your face before cupping your cheek, wiping the fresh tears away with his thumb. “Steve told me you carried me out and rode in the ambulance.”

“I wanted to make sure you were safe.” His voice was quiet, “I wasn’t ready to see you after surgery. I couldn’t handle it.”

Javier rested his forehead on yours and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, cariña. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Another pause. He pressed a gentle kiss to your temple.

“I should go.” He gave your hand a squeeze, giving you a small smile. You nodded as you watched him stand up to leave, stopping him as he reached for the doorknob.

“What did you say before you left my apartment that night?” Javier turned and raised an eyebrow at you. “You said it in Spanish right before you walked out.”

He smiled to himself once he remembered. “ _Significas más para mí de lo que nunca sabrás_.”

“What does that mean?”

“You mean more to me than you’ll ever know.”

You paused. “Did you mean it?”

“Absolutely.”


End file.
